jmtorres | Entries tagged with health: sleep deprivation

So it's about 8 hours to my exam, I have had about 4 hours sleep, and all the parts of my brain have voted no on sleep, but this has left me wrung out and not very awake, so I'm giving up on being productive today and am basically letting Loki and Darcy have free run on the hamster wheel.

I am trying to figure out what to do with my tumblr (

julstorres); I broke down and made a personal one a few days ago on the theory that I wasn't using the Specific Purposes one for its Specific Purpose and I might if I just had a personal one to personally stare at all the pretty pictures with. Right now I am mostly reblogging things that make me happy. You will be shocked to know this includes Chris Evans grinning, fanart of Lady Captain America, and Loki and Darcy's actors hugging each other. I would ask tumblr what I should do with my tumblr but niq is the only person who follows me so it seems a bit silly.

(Complaint about tumblr: I feel like many of the common phrases that have cropped up out of tumblr culture like "all the feels" and "because reasons" are terrible because they let people be lazy about expressing themselves. Also because they're frequently grammatically grotesque, but I've decided to assume that the E in "crey" is in fact the missing E from tumblr and necessarily had to go somewhere.)

The Loki and Darcy fic has done such weird things to my fannish interactions. In the first place, holy crap what the fuck I've touched kinkmemes with a ten foot pole (ie, rp socks). In the second place, somehow people keep asking me for prompts. And by "people" I mean "two of them" but it's VERY STRANGE SOMEHOW.

God I want a nap. I am so terrified of taking a nap.

I should call work. And the electric company. And my dad. Those--those are calls I should make today. The rest of everything can wait, really it can. ETA: okay, have done 2/3, not in prime time for 3 yet, and also I may cry now, I asked my dad to be my back-up bang on the door get me to the exam alarm./ETA

Tomorrow I will have cope.

Current Mood: freaked out

Something like 21 hours up, 3 down, 21 up, 10 down, 6 up, 10 down, repeat. Like, my body wants to cycle up to something like a 42 up/21 down schedule but it can't actually maintain the lengths of uptime and downtime so it splits them?

This inconveniently does not tie into Earth day cycles, Xenan day cycles, or work and class schedules.

If I have subscribed to you out of nowhere and you're wondering why, it's probably because I am currently engaged in a futile effort to read ALL the Steve/Tony.

I would probably expound more upon my deep thoughts on Tony, Steve and ~~Lady Gaga~~ ~~the goddamn lunar base~~ ~~Pepperbot~~ um, yaoi, but today was a fairly epically awful, I am dying of plague and have had no sleep so I'm not actually going to post content, just the heads-up.

In other news: Chris Evans's career is a long history of TOTAL DORKERY. Watching The Losers right now. GO PETUNIAS.

Current Mood: blah

The actual rotational period is nearly 9 hours; for the convenience of the settlers from Earth, whose descendants comprise most of the citizenry, a "day" is considered to be three rotational periods. Typical time management is sleep a cycle, work a cycle, play a cycle. But there's no particular preference for what cycles to do which in, beyond trying to match one's life partners or social set, since each cycle has its own sunrise and sunset (for what that's worth; Sol's about as bright to us as Venus is in Terra's skies). Therefore even the insomniac doesn't have problems like the utter inability to find an open sushi joint at three in the morning, because it's never really three in the morning, it's always three in someone else's afternoon.

Living on Earth, I am used to my "day" being a couple of hours longer than the Earth day, so that my bedtime is perpetually two hours later than yesterday until I have to reset or miss commitments. In the last couple of days, though, I've running something like sleeping three hours out of every nine--which has made me extremely glad my work shift is only three and a quarter hours on summer time, let me tell you. I thought it was odd! But I realized it is actually not that weird. I've just downcycled; instead of spanning three cycles for a "day," my day is now one cycle, one rotational period. It's atypical; it's more common for people to upcycle and run on the ~35 hour or sometimes the ~43 hour day. Or if they downcycle, to run on the ~17 hour day, not the ~9 hour day. But it is not unheard of. Our planet shapes us; we shift to fit her as best we may.

Which, you know, would be fine if I were actually living at home instead of in exile on Earth.

I really thought I would be asleep right now. Or at least fallen over contemplating my various aches (the elbows kicked in about an hour ago: driving-related, I assume). Instead I am... cursing that I cannot access my online class early and contemplating rereading Warrior's Apprentice in aid of wee Secret Agent Ivan fic.

ETA: can anyone recommend/disrecommend/share? Vorkosigan audiobooks?

ETA2: Novel-length podfic, I can find. Audiobooks, I am failing.

Okay this is kind of horrifying. Apparently a bigger time suck for me than tvtropes--which, who even knew that was possible--

is The Customer is Not Always Right.

Sleep? What is that?

(I blame my frustrating retail surprise-career.)

I have about 1520% of a vid and Johnny's smug face is mocking me. I keep cracking up. This is good for me.

You know what might be better for me?

Sleep.

Just sayin'.

PS The hunt for Sanctuary betas will be hot shortly.

ETA: My god, there's a lot of women pulling guns in this. Should I call it a motif or just admit that the vid is 90% Helen pointing a gun at people (and 10% Ashley pointing a gun at people)?

Nearly had a screaming meltdown on--late Friday night, early Saturday morning? I think? I've been at

niqaeli's since then, aside from a brief run by my house for textbooks. I should probably think about going home. I have a small spot of homework to do in the next twelve hours, and I'm thinking about sleeping.

I want to be creative. I fired up Final Cut but that didn't really go anywhere; I opened up googledocs and thought about writing Sanctuary fic--I'm all caught up and have this ridiculously detailed plotbunny in my head about the intersection of the sexcapades of Helen Magnus and Vampire Nikola Tesla (with other people) that I'm actually kind of ashamed of, oh my god, the things that live in my head, I don't even.

But what came out was more Echo Bazaar fic. I'm sort of... I don't even know, this fic can't decide whether it wants to be game-play fic or narrative fic. At least it's settled on first-person for the narrative sections.

( bit of what I wrote tonight )

I really want to have some art in the story, it feels wrong not to have art in Echo Bazaar fic. I sent a message to someone asking if I could use some of the beautiful stuff I've seen go by on my droll (*waves*), I sort of flailed and dorked around incoherently a lot so you know, hopefully I don't come off as completely illiterate. *facepalm*

Okay, I blame the bandom vampire AU of ridiculousness I gave in and read over the last two days.

So I was nosing around on NASA's rss feeds for more pictures of pretty astronomical phenomena because what I need is more space porn, right? (I have a large folder of images, which currently contains 387 items, from which my screensaver draws. I have had people not understand why I refer to it as space porn until the screensaver comes on, and then they're mesmerized by the pretty. It's kind of a wonder I log in and get anything done on my computer, I tell you.)

Anyway, one of the NASA rss feeds is the ISS daily report. These are fairly dry but give day to day activities of everyone on the station and also note ~~their functional sleep disorders~~ how their sleep shifts, which kind of makes me heart them. As someone who got up at 8:30pm last night and only went to bed at 6am because I have a meeting and work today. I only skimmed a couple of these reports but I thought: oh god. If I put this feed on my droll I will end up writing astronaut RPF WTF WTF WTF SELF.

So I haven't. And it could be the sleep deprivation talking. Or maybe I'm just overreacting to the guilt about going from "lalalala I intentionally keep from knowing bandmembers' names" to imagegoogling members of MCR to make sure I wasn't picturing the wrong ones while reading fic last night (hey, it's important information, two of them are brothers, I definitely don't want to be picturing the wrong ones). Let's just shorten this entry to: me and RPF; I have massive issues.

Space pretty?

Current Mood: ridiculous

Logging ~10 hours of footage in real time. I THINK I probably have about six hours left. Been at it for five. And the only time I could do it was after business hours, so yeah.

Only have internet on my phone and I'm gonna kill the battery if I keep reading my droll so after this I'll have to find other things to entertain me in between changing tapes. Neglected to bring a book. ANYONE AT CONHQ: would love to have something to read. Am nearby. Txt for directions if niq dead.

Note to self for later:

wynkat's SPN story If I Had A Hammer was something I wanted to read.

Going to be so spaced tomorrow.

I'm still awake, I'm really tired, and I'm going to be SO fucked tomorrow.

I keep trying to decide what the most hilarious rhyme for detonator is. I'm leaning towards the dual meanings of mediator. But aviator is pretty good, sheer randomness factor. And carburator, even more random. Gladiator might be a mite too apt, and also activator and liberator. Elevator gives me cucumber error. Alligator rocks us into Ziggy Stardust territory. Decorator is cracking me up. It might win the award for most hilarious even if I don't use it. Terminator would be a pretty funny crossover. Respirator: funny because they need one.

It's entirely possible I'm enjoying this wrong.

Current Mood: awake

I left "sleep" off my recent to-do list.

Major oversight. No time for it now.

Does anyone want to talk to me about song-writing and MCR pastiche?

ETA: Damn it, my rhyming dictionary lacks a good schwa.

Current Mood: exhausted

So that happened. It's much neater than it was.

Current Mood: oh just a little ocd

it's kind of cute that you're living on Barrayaran standard time but witness how the earth keeps turning and I have to keep getting up on earth time? Which means sleep: a thing of the past? Ain't that fun.

Laundry 'tis.

So: I'm tired and depressed. Not depressed in the way that impacts my ability to enjoy the things I can do, like read novels and hang out with

niqaeli, just depressed in the way that keeps me from getting things done, like writing or computer repair or dealing next semester or family or laundry. I should probably write another to-do list and have a go at it. My uterus finally rebooted anyway; note to self: five months is a little long, and since you KNOW you skip when you're stressed, you should probably have taken the hint and dumped some stress sooner.

I have not finished clipping for festivids.

I have not started writing for yuletide.

I have a lot of scenes of the (oh god) four semi-nano stories in my head, but very little is filtering down to the keyboard.

There is a kitten. Her name is Mia.

Current Mood: tired

I'm awake. Why am I awake?

A couple of weeks ago, I told

niqaeli, partly surprised and partly not, that getting out of school for the rest of the semester hadn't cured my depression--but I was not heavy of heart when I said it, for all that it was true. It took me longer to identify this part of it, but what did go away when I called it quits on the school was guilt. It's interesting that guilt is not endemic to the depression, it's a secondary feature: when I fail at school because of my depression, I have guilt. I do not have guilt purely for having depression, I do not feel like a failure as a human being, except when I manage to redefine human being to mean student as apparently occurs some of the time.

So: I have lethargy of spirit and of body, I have insomnia, I have depression. Right now it's just a weight I carry, not a wall I hit. I go to work and eat and anything I do beyond that in any given day counts as a bonus. I maintain.

Current Mood: tired

Oh, my god, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I can't stand up--literally, my calves are like jelly, my hamstrings keep deciding to cramp, and I resent how sore my feet are given I wasn't even wearing my ridiculous boots--but I'm not tired.

I wish I had enough brain left to write fic, but I don't think I do. Contemplating reading a novel, or fanfic. Really wish I could think of something to make my feet hurt less.

...we had a party, I cooked a lot.

So as best I can tell the rules currently covering my sleeping are:

If I am exhausted I can expect one good cycle (an hour and a half) before waking from a horrific nightmare.

If I sleep on the comfy bed in the guest room, I will wake up approximately six hours before or six hours after my intended get-out-of-bed time. Getting up at six hours before will lead to zombification and collapse at actual intended time of rising. And... seriously, I've slept sixteen hour jaunts on this thing every other night for a week.

If I sleep on the less comfy couch, I have a chance of actually getting up with my alarm; however, I will feel incapable of doing anything, because I will ache all over.

My body is playing "four thirty from one side or the other." At least I got about six hours of sleep?
My alarm's set for six-thirty. I think I'm gonna go try for another cycle.

The "you went to bed early? that's a punishable offense" edition.

I think I am doing better. I got up early, went to class, though I didn't make anything up, and I wrote--I can't get any of the Glee crap out of my head, which is too bad as I am starting to annoy my nearest and dearest retelling them bits, but I wrote down some of Amita in space (on a hunch; the empty page was staring at me and wouldn't take ink for the stories of in-many-ways-normative white dudes, so I started writing Amita and got like, four pages down and only stopped for time). It's been a while since I wrote, this is good. Also I made a cheesecake and used up four of our multitude of apples (two more for the topping when I get around to it).

And that was my day. I am back to putting "going to class" in my list of accomplishments, which sucks, but I hadn't been doing it and I did it, which is good.

And: quiz due by 2:30 on Friday. Very doable.

It appears to be three in the morning and I just read an extremely long Kurt/Puck story (and it was not nearly as horrifying as I was expecting).

Sleep? What's that?

It's four in the morning. What are YOU doing?

Since waking up at 1:30am, I have:
--subscribed to someone on the strength of a Vorkosigan AU
--priced Final Cut keyboards
--decided that putting Final Cut stickers on the keyboard I use regularly would be a good way to go INSANE
--discovered from close examination of Final Cut keyboard images online a set of shortcuts I will probably integrate in my repertoire now (⌘+1, +2, +3, +4, +5 goes through Viewer, Canvas, Timeline, Browser, Favorites)
--priced Final Cut keyboards on ebay
--dredged up my ebay ID from the depths of the internet to bid on a Final Cut keyboard on ebay
--refused to be sucked into bidding wars on ebay
--checked local craigslist for Final Cut or easily mod-able keyboards
--figured while I was making wishlists, priced flight to DC at end of October ($400)
--contemplated moving my desk three feet to allow vidding from bed and cause me to make some further effort regarding organization in my room

Wow I spent a lot of brainpower on that Final Cut keyboard issue. Uh.

ETA: Apparently what I actually want is to apply keys, not stickers to my standard issue NOT aluminum apple keyboard. If only it didn't cost $80.

why am I awake?

As hopeful as that icon is, I'm beginning to think I need a zombie or something to use for when I can't sleep, at all, which, fuck me, I'm split shifting my sleep again. Whyyy.

Do I stay up until ^H^H^H^H^H wow I'm tired enough that I nearly used niq's rl name. Right. Do I stay up until niq gets back or try to fall down some more?

ETA: What. OH my god what. *DYING* So I came across a vid on youtube, Sam/Ruby, Lady Gaga, because HE CAN'T READ HER POKER FACE. And the best part is that it is played TOTALLY SRSLY. Oh my god I can't breathe.

After this I'm watching the Sam/Ruby/Dean "Bad Romance" (PLEASE let that be an appropriate use of the / symbol) and the Ruby/Sam/Dean "Love Game" (LIKEWISE). Hahahaha oh youtube.

ETA2: Worth a view--

Alejandro, blondes of Supernatural wish they could stop getting refrigeratored for the Winchester men.

Current Music: did her green eyes seduce you and make you get so weak?

Seriously I've been up since 1:30. I've tried to go back to bed like, four times.

I'm bored, someone come play with me?

Oh my god why can't I sleep, it's not like I don't spend all day falling down tired.

Okay I appear to be resetting my schedule to diurnal by pulling an all-nighter, which means I'll be good for zippedy-do-dah tonight (

niqaeli, should I bring the concept sketches over anyway?).

But by golly it is now morning in places I have friends; will someone hop on AIM so I can cackle at you about this vid?

I go to sleep early enough to get eight hours of sleep. So I wake up at four in the morning.

eta: So I filed a bug. Might as well do something useful if I'm going to be up.

I go to sleep at a completely reasonable time that could net me eight hours of sleep and what happens, I wake up ~~two~~ three hours before my alarm, and people I normally talk to in the middle of the night are gone to bed.

Right, so about four and a half hours of sleep last night. I got up at three, figured I'd write for a bit and go back to bed, but I never got back to bed, and I'll be heading off to class in a couple minutes. I don't feel tired now but I bet I will around time for work! Go me!

My sense of days is getting really skewed because I didn't think three in the morning was going to be the fucking morning.

I keep having straight vid bunnies (and this is the theatrical sense of straight: straight vs musical, or straight vs. comedy--basically, straight == standard drama; hilariously for vids, standard drama is often slash, because that's one of the traditional purposes of vids: so anyway, when I say straight vid bunnies, here I mean standard dramatic occasionally slash vid bunnies). I really don't want to do any of the Sammy angst vids I've had ideas for, but I just found a goddamn Dean/Cas song that's really hugely just perfect Cas POV and the thing is it's not so much standard angst as "wtf strange human I do not understand you" with a side of DIRECT REFERENCE TO "heaven abandons me, you drag me down with you." I COULD MAKE AN ENTIRE VID OF CASTIEL'S CONFUSED FACE AT DEAN.

(It doesn't help that I spent the uh morning listening to

everysecondtuesday remix John and Bobby's epic fail to Dean being an extremely fucked up moppet and driving Castiel to drink.)

I'm a little tempted.

Current Music: i fall in the river of you

Can I get a what? I gave you time for six hours and you bounced me up after four, only to be so flat tired I think I'll skip class for another three right now.

niq's coming over tomorrow morning in, gosh, like six hours, so of course now is when I start to get somewhere with writing. Yay another two hundred words.

I feel like crap. I feel like I lost my weekend, and alas I didn't even lose it to sleep or I'd feel up to more right now. No, I lost my weekend to writing White Collar fic and watching Supernatural. (In other news: I appear to have actually acquired a Supernatural plotbunny I want to keep. Who knows when or if I'll write it, I have seasons 2, 3, and half of 4 and 5 to catch up on, but it amuses me.)

Writing... I'm sure you're all aware that my intended thousand-word thought experiment got away from me and is now the better part of seven thousand words. I actually culled a few hundred out of it last night because there's one section that was 1500 words, which is about three times longer than most of the other sections, and I'm trying to figure out some way to fit into the structure. There's... I've been told, of its content, that there's two pieces of plot that need to be there and one sentence which is the linchpin of the story, so it's not like I'm battling extraneous crap here. Gah. I haven't tried the 1300 word version on anyone to see if it works as well cut down, but even so that's not cut down enough. I'm wondering if there's a way to space out these pieces across--even two scenes instead of one would be better. Also, I was told it needed more snark in this section. I'm pro-snark, but I'm finding it difficult when Peter and Neal are both trying so damn hard to get through to each other, hopefully without being forced to actually say anything about anything. Clearly they should be using snark to not say what they're trying to say.

In the meantime, I still haven't written the ending. I know what piece of information needs to get transmitted to Neal and I know how that needs to get reflected back to Peter for narrative resolution, I just can't write it. Partially because I'm fucking around with the 1500 word monster scene and partially because the scene I'm in the middle of is threatening to turn into a 1500 word monster as well, if I don't figure out how to end scene and go somewhere else for the next important bit.

And I still don't have a title.

And

echan can make me shriek "Ew" repeatedly just by saying "spanking" now.

And last night I discovered the absolute, over-the-top, practically parody of itself bad epitome of the story my story was written in response to. Before I was writing about something that happened here and there, seemingly unintentionally and unthinkingly in stories I otherwise enjoyed, but whoa, this story was non-stop, all-singing, all-dancing, in your face for the entire story. Dude, some people like to play with feathers, some people need the whole damn chicken, apparently. It was hilarious. But probably only to me. From all the comments, people enjoyed it as a serious work of drama, so I think I'll respectfully refrain from naming names.

Current Mood: drained

I am feeling pretty awesome. I am going to be absolutely exhausted trashed by the end of the week but I am not having quite the same love/hate relationship with sleep I had been? Mostly I don't feel guilty for it. The fun part will be AND THEN ZOMG SCHOOL.

I keep having vid ideas a mile a minute. Various people keep encouraging them. I feel like the creative juices are flowing! I am sort of headdesk at apparently everything I make from here to eternity will be meta, but maybe I should just accept that as who I am. Hm.

Current Music: echoes of the amplifiers ringing in your head.

Currently paper vidding. Just wrote "oh oh oh she gives him money too! haaaa..."

eta: and now, in an entirely theoretical sense (I need some time with my computer) I have trimmed my canvas from 4:55 to 3:43. Which... I thought it was going to be shorter? But I can work with this. I hope. I have to do the actual cut yet!

eta2: jesus christ wtf polar bears, how did it get to be 4:30 in the morning? When last I looked at the clock it was two *headdesk*

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: want you in my rear window, baby you're sick

And I am up late *again.* Maybe my work schedule will knock this out of me?

Can't sleep, wtf.

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jmtorres

March 2025

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