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why i don't talk to people at parties
Dec. 15th, 2019 01:26 ami was, for a variety of reasons, in the general locale of a party tonight. I sat most of it out listening to an audiobook in the backroom, but at one point I came out to bring dirty dishes to the kitchen and got hugged and drawn into a small circle of drunk people for a few minutes. the friend who had hugged me wandered away, and I ended up talking to this guy who I guess was drunk enough that it was controversial opinion time, or else was just talking to two other guys in the kitchen with the subject boundaries guys draw amongst themselves and didn't register that a woman was present until I objected.
so this guy owns a gym/studio and instructs and performs in a sport where people routinely practice in tights, or other similarly form-fitting garments that would in other situations be construed as underwear. He was describing an incident where a woman instructor he knows at the gym he owns slapped his ass, and he said, "hashtag metoo!", apparently as a joke, and the woman got offended and no longer touches him. The point of this story was that he finds it IRONIC that women demand equality but don't think anything about objectifying men.
"You can't really joke about #MeToo," I said.
He proceeded to explain to me that it was a joke because he's very touchy-feely, a super huggy person, and was not at all actually bothered by her touching him, he just wanted to point out the hypocrisy. And she got OFFENDED, what was that about. Irony, right?
so like. look. i tried to meet him halfway. I responded to the way he'd first told the story. I suggested he had set a boundary, and she was no longer touching him, so she respected the boundary. "It's hard setting a boundary," I said.
He insisted he was not in fact bothered by being touched. He just wanted to point out how IRONIC it was that women in the gym could be waving around his junk like it was no big deal, but if he waved his hands around their boobs, it would blow up.
"Look," I said, "it doesn't sound like you want to wave your hands around their boobs, it sounds like you want a personal space bubble for yourself."
"I have a mom and sisters and i grew up in the midwest where everything is totally about white dudes and I understand that things have not been equal and are not equal now," he said. "I just want to point out the IRONY."
I tried to wander after my friend at this point, but couldn't catch up with her, so I gave up and retired back to the back room.
Here's the things I wish I'd said to him:
#MeToo is not JUST about someone slapping your ass. #MeToo is about being raped. Lesser inappropriate touching comes up in the context of, someone in a position of power did this to me, I don't know if he'll escalate, I don't know if he'll rape me, I don't know what I'll do if he does because position of power. I said you can't really joke about #MeToo because #MeToo is about rape. Do you understand why you can't joke about rape?
When this woman slapped your ass, was that typical of your touchy-feely huggy relationship with her? If yes: that's definitely why she got offended when you accused her of sexual assault. (If no, but you were being honest when you said you were in no way bothered by it, then accusing her of sexual assault was pretty fucking over the top, my dude.)
When this woman slapped your ass, in the gym you own, where, if I understood the story correctly, you employ her, did you feel threatened? Were you afraid she was going to do something else to you? Did your position of power as a man in American society and as a business owner and employer escape you? I mean: there are reasons you might have felt powerless. Maybe you have trauma. Maybe you have a history with this woman you didn't bring up in your story. If you had genuine fear that this woman might touch you in ways you weren't okay with (though you insist the butt slap itself did not bother you) then your "hastag Metoo" comment was appropriate. It also wasn't a joke. And I'm glad for you that she listened and has stopped touching you. And you should stop telling this story the way you're telling it. If your point is actually "men can also be assaulted," go watch some videos of Terry Crews and stop acting like you were joking.
If you didn't have that fear, if you really weren't bothered by the slap, if you were secure in the privilege of your position the entire time, then saying effectively "you sexually assaulted me!" was a pretty shitty thing to do and not remotely a funny joke and you should consider apologizing to this woman. When you understand what you actually did.
If what happened was somewhere in the middle, if maybe you didn't feel fear of assault but you weren't completely unbothered, you felt objectified or uncomfortable, consider setting boundaries with something other than "you sexually assaulted me!" Consider finding your goddamn words and saying, "Hey, that's not okay, I don't appreciate being touched that way. I'm fine with hugging, and with sport/performance-related touching, but that was gratuitous and inappropriate and I didn't like it." the more specific you are, the more likely you are to be able to have the relationship you want. It's pretty unlikely she would have gotten offended if you'd just told her you didn't like her slapping your butt. It's not too late to do this. You can tell her you didn't really think through the implications of what you said to her, and you didn't actually feel sexually assaulted, but you didn't like getting your ass slapped and that's all you really wanted to ask her to stop. If you throw in a legitimate "sorry" she might stop being offended and consider hugging you again.
---
I'm tired of thinking about this. Maybe now that I've written it all out I can go the fuck to bed.
so this guy owns a gym/studio and instructs and performs in a sport where people routinely practice in tights, or other similarly form-fitting garments that would in other situations be construed as underwear. He was describing an incident where a woman instructor he knows at the gym he owns slapped his ass, and he said, "hashtag metoo!", apparently as a joke, and the woman got offended and no longer touches him. The point of this story was that he finds it IRONIC that women demand equality but don't think anything about objectifying men.
"You can't really joke about #MeToo," I said.
He proceeded to explain to me that it was a joke because he's very touchy-feely, a super huggy person, and was not at all actually bothered by her touching him, he just wanted to point out the hypocrisy. And she got OFFENDED, what was that about. Irony, right?
so like. look. i tried to meet him halfway. I responded to the way he'd first told the story. I suggested he had set a boundary, and she was no longer touching him, so she respected the boundary. "It's hard setting a boundary," I said.
He insisted he was not in fact bothered by being touched. He just wanted to point out how IRONIC it was that women in the gym could be waving around his junk like it was no big deal, but if he waved his hands around their boobs, it would blow up.
"Look," I said, "it doesn't sound like you want to wave your hands around their boobs, it sounds like you want a personal space bubble for yourself."
"I have a mom and sisters and i grew up in the midwest where everything is totally about white dudes and I understand that things have not been equal and are not equal now," he said. "I just want to point out the IRONY."
I tried to wander after my friend at this point, but couldn't catch up with her, so I gave up and retired back to the back room.
Here's the things I wish I'd said to him:
#MeToo is not JUST about someone slapping your ass. #MeToo is about being raped. Lesser inappropriate touching comes up in the context of, someone in a position of power did this to me, I don't know if he'll escalate, I don't know if he'll rape me, I don't know what I'll do if he does because position of power. I said you can't really joke about #MeToo because #MeToo is about rape. Do you understand why you can't joke about rape?
When this woman slapped your ass, was that typical of your touchy-feely huggy relationship with her? If yes: that's definitely why she got offended when you accused her of sexual assault. (If no, but you were being honest when you said you were in no way bothered by it, then accusing her of sexual assault was pretty fucking over the top, my dude.)
When this woman slapped your ass, in the gym you own, where, if I understood the story correctly, you employ her, did you feel threatened? Were you afraid she was going to do something else to you? Did your position of power as a man in American society and as a business owner and employer escape you? I mean: there are reasons you might have felt powerless. Maybe you have trauma. Maybe you have a history with this woman you didn't bring up in your story. If you had genuine fear that this woman might touch you in ways you weren't okay with (though you insist the butt slap itself did not bother you) then your "hastag Metoo" comment was appropriate. It also wasn't a joke. And I'm glad for you that she listened and has stopped touching you. And you should stop telling this story the way you're telling it. If your point is actually "men can also be assaulted," go watch some videos of Terry Crews and stop acting like you were joking.
If you didn't have that fear, if you really weren't bothered by the slap, if you were secure in the privilege of your position the entire time, then saying effectively "you sexually assaulted me!" was a pretty shitty thing to do and not remotely a funny joke and you should consider apologizing to this woman. When you understand what you actually did.
If what happened was somewhere in the middle, if maybe you didn't feel fear of assault but you weren't completely unbothered, you felt objectified or uncomfortable, consider setting boundaries with something other than "you sexually assaulted me!" Consider finding your goddamn words and saying, "Hey, that's not okay, I don't appreciate being touched that way. I'm fine with hugging, and with sport/performance-related touching, but that was gratuitous and inappropriate and I didn't like it." the more specific you are, the more likely you are to be able to have the relationship you want. It's pretty unlikely she would have gotten offended if you'd just told her you didn't like her slapping your butt. It's not too late to do this. You can tell her you didn't really think through the implications of what you said to her, and you didn't actually feel sexually assaulted, but you didn't like getting your ass slapped and that's all you really wanted to ask her to stop. If you throw in a legitimate "sorry" she might stop being offended and consider hugging you again.
---
I'm tired of thinking about this. Maybe now that I've written it all out I can go the fuck to bed.
