the gay agenda

nostalgia_lj asks, "I want to know what this 'gay agenda' is. Is there something I should know? Apparently, there's some secret gay cabal trying to take over the world or something. I'm not sure why."

The following is the secret gay agenda. I hope you all find this edifying.

It is the belief of the gay peoples of the world that heterosexuals are an unnatural, ungodly blight upon the face of the Earth. They are sinners, and must be purged.

Our goals include:

• Making heterosexual marriage illegal, possibly via amendment to the Constitution.
  
• Making heterosexual sex illegal, including such disgusting practices as penetrating the vagina with the penis.
  
• Removing all openly heterosexual soldiers from the armed forces. They may serve time, and will be dishonorably discharged.
  
• Preventing heterosexuals from holding positions involving childcare or education, as the vast majority of child molesters are heterosexual.
  
• Removing heterosexuals from the media, for example, news anchor positions, as they cannot be trusted to give us unbiased news.
  
• Preventing heterosexuals from reaching positions of religious responsibility, as these sinners are not in any way qualified to minister us.
  
• Keeping heterosexual relationships and sex out of our entertainment, such as family movies and prime time TV. We don't, however, wish to be politically incorrect, so we would permit the occasional heterosexual character, so long as he or she never has any actual relationships or sex, or else is punished for these wicked deeds as the moral of the tale, preferably by death (eg, Romeo and Juliet).
  
• Barring heterosexuals from donating blood, as it is likely to be infected with AIDS. Heterosexual women are the fastest growing group of the HIV positive.
  

These are our current most important goals. We also have outreach programs, intended to help heterosexuals see the error of their ways and become gay, as God intended them to be.

We are deeply suspicious of bisexuals, as we cannot figure out whose side they're on. If they would just settle down in nice gay relationships, we would be happy with that.