the gay agenda

[jmtorres]

nostalgia_lj asks, "I want to know what this 'gay agenda' is. Is there something I should know? Apparently, there's some secret gay cabal trying to take over the world or something. I'm not sure why."

The following is the secret gay agenda. I hope you all find this edifying.

It is the belief of the gay peoples of the world that heterosexuals are an unnatural, ungodly blight upon the face of the Earth. They are sinners, and must be purged.

Our goals include:

• Making heterosexual marriage illegal, possibly via amendment to the Constitution.
  
• Making heterosexual sex illegal, including such disgusting practices as penetrating the vagina with the penis.
  
• Removing all openly heterosexual soldiers from the armed forces. They may serve time, and will be dishonorably discharged.
  
• Preventing heterosexuals from holding positions involving childcare or education, as the vast majority of child molesters are heterosexual.
  
• Removing heterosexuals from the media, for example, news anchor positions, as they cannot be trusted to give us unbiased news.
  
• Preventing heterosexuals from reaching positions of religious responsibility, as these sinners are not in any way qualified to minister us.
  
• Keeping heterosexual relationships and sex out of our entertainment, such as family movies and prime time TV. We don't, however, wish to be politically incorrect, so we would permit the occasional heterosexual character, so long as he or she never has any actual relationships or sex, or else is punished for these wicked deeds as the moral of the tale, preferably by death (eg, Romeo and Juliet).
  
• Barring heterosexuals from donating blood, as it is likely to be infected with AIDS. Heterosexual women are the fastest growing group of the HIV positive.
  

These are our current most important goals. We also have outreach programs, intended to help heterosexuals see the error of their ways and become gay, as God intended them to be.

We are deeply suspicious of bisexuals, as we cannot figure out whose side they're on. If they would just settle down in nice gay relationships, we would be happy with that.

Comments

[cadetdru.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'd settle down in a nice gay relationship if I could.

*hugs*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there's a nice girl for you somewhere. *hug*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

*weeping with laughter* Well, that finally worked out, didn't it.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

*fondles you*

I can be saved!

[cadetdru.livejournal.com]

Mm, hey...

You want to help me redeem myself?

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

*pets you* Yes, it's alright. You can be gay now. We forgive your heterosexual past.

[kernezelda]

Can you ever forgive me for being hetero? I promise I'll try not to offend you with my unnatural ways!

*g*

That's excellent, jmt. Very nicely pointed and if certain someones would only hear how they sounded... Well, I suppose it wouldn't really make any difference, would it? Some ostriches will never, never, never lift their heads from the sand.

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Can you ever forgive me for being hetero? I promise I'll try not to offend you with my unnatural ways!

Some of my best friends are heterosexuals. *G*

if certain someones would only hear how they sounded... Well, I suppose it wouldn't really make any difference, would it?

Oh, sometimes it does. Sometimes. One can hope.

[cedara]

Where do I find a girl to redeem myself with? And will she give me advice on which size of cock to buy?

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

And will she give me advice on which size of cock to buy?

Probably a size smaller than looks good. People's eyes tend to be bigger than their pussies (or asses).

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Meet my pal Thor.

[cadetdru.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not doing anything right now...


Smaller than Thor.

[out-there.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahaha! *Love* this!

We are deeply suspicious of bisexuals, as we cannot figure out whose side they're on. If they would just settle down in nice gay relationships, we would be happy with that.

*snerk* I feel like such a devious person, toting that line between being gay, and being a terible straight sinner. *g*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

And of course, I'm a bad bad person myself. I have that secret stash of pretty guy-characters I like!

[chymerikaen.livejournal.com]

*wonders where bisexual men and women fit into the "gay agenda"*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Didn't I say? Last line there. *snerk*

[simplelyric.livejournal.com]

We are deeply suspicious of bisexuals, as we cannot figure out whose side they're on. If they would just settle down in nice gay relationships, we would be happy with that.

::giggling:: Find me a nice girl, and I'd be very happy to do that. };-)

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

A number have responded to this post with similar requests... I think cadetdru, maryavatar, cedara, somebody else?

First, the comments section turned into a dildo discussion. Now it's become the personals.

[inarticulate.livejournal.com]

...this post made my day. I just thought you should know. *g*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Awww. Cool :)

[dragonfly13.livejournal.com]

I whole-heartedly agree. Living out here in homophobe hick land, I mean... erm... homophobe.. wait.. anyway.
It made me feel good.

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Heh. Cool.

[tomt64.livejournal.com]

I'm hetero! Don't take my rights away PLEASE!

But seriously, this was funny. Very nice! I appreciate it when anyone stands up to the religious right, because they are more satanist than the people they accuse of it.

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

I'm hetero! Don't take my rights away PLEASE!

It's not too late to become gay. Or at least fake it! You can marry a beard for convenience and see women on the sly or something...

But seriously, this was funny. Very nice!

*G* Thanks.

[carmarthen.livejournal.com]

I think I love you.

Are we bisexuals okay if we're celibate?

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

You can love me and ignore your straighter nature... but of course, celibacy is always a valid way to overcome your sinfulness.

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's delightful. Well done!

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Glad you liked it.