the gay agenda

[jmtorres]

nostalgia_lj asks, "I want to know what this 'gay agenda' is. Is there something I should know? Apparently, there's some secret gay cabal trying to take over the world or something. I'm not sure why."

The following is the secret gay agenda. I hope you all find this edifying.

It is the belief of the gay peoples of the world that heterosexuals are an unnatural, ungodly blight upon the face of the Earth. They are sinners, and must be purged.

Our goals include:

• Making heterosexual marriage illegal, possibly via amendment to the Constitution.
  
• Making heterosexual sex illegal, including such disgusting practices as penetrating the vagina with the penis.
  
• Removing all openly heterosexual soldiers from the armed forces. They may serve time, and will be dishonorably discharged.
  
• Preventing heterosexuals from holding positions involving childcare or education, as the vast majority of child molesters are heterosexual.
  
• Removing heterosexuals from the media, for example, news anchor positions, as they cannot be trusted to give us unbiased news.
  
• Preventing heterosexuals from reaching positions of religious responsibility, as these sinners are not in any way qualified to minister us.
  
• Keeping heterosexual relationships and sex out of our entertainment, such as family movies and prime time TV. We don't, however, wish to be politically incorrect, so we would permit the occasional heterosexual character, so long as he or she never has any actual relationships or sex, or else is punished for these wicked deeds as the moral of the tale, preferably by death (eg, Romeo and Juliet).
  
• Barring heterosexuals from donating blood, as it is likely to be infected with AIDS. Heterosexual women are the fastest growing group of the HIV positive.
  

These are our current most important goals. We also have outreach programs, intended to help heterosexuals see the error of their ways and become gay, as God intended them to be.

We are deeply suspicious of bisexuals, as we cannot figure out whose side they're on. If they would just settle down in nice gay relationships, we would be happy with that.

Comments

[cadetdru.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'd settle down in a nice gay relationship if I could.

*hugs*

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

*fondles you*

I can be saved!

[cadetdru.livejournal.com]

Mm, hey...

You want to help me redeem myself?

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there's a nice girl for you somewhere. *hug*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

*pets you* Yes, it's alright. You can be gay now. We forgive your heterosexual past.

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

See? I told you there was a nice girl for you somewhere.

[kernezelda]

Can you ever forgive me for being hetero? I promise I'll try not to offend you with my unnatural ways!

*g*

That's excellent, jmt. Very nicely pointed and if certain someones would only hear how they sounded... Well, I suppose it wouldn't really make any difference, would it? Some ostriches will never, never, never lift their heads from the sand.

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Can you ever forgive me for being hetero? I promise I'll try not to offend you with my unnatural ways!

Some of my best friends are heterosexuals. *G*

if certain someones would only hear how they sounded... Well, I suppose it wouldn't really make any difference, would it?

Oh, sometimes it does. Sometimes. One can hope.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

*ponders future without cock*

Well, heck... you can buy those things!

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

*cracking up*

Brill, love. Just freaking brilliant. *G*

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Despite those twenty years of heterosexuality, I've always had this Thing about breasts.

*fondles some more*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Is it the gay time of the month now?

[cedara]

Where do I find a girl to redeem myself with? And will she give me advice on which size of cock to buy?

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

:)

And you can get them prettier and wider than the standard issue too.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

Actually yes. I'm worried that you know I have lesbian tendencies when premenstrual.

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

And will she give me advice on which size of cock to buy?

Probably a size smaller than looks good. People's eyes tend to be bigger than their pussies (or asses).

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Meet my pal Thor.

[cadetdru.livejournal.com]

I knew it too.



That doesn't help any, does it?

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Worried? Oh, honey, but that's a good thing. *takes off bra*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Ohhhhh you are so, so cruel. Don't scare people like that!

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Bwah ha ha!

I don't internalise anything, do I? My entire life is just spewed out into LJland, terrifying the peasants and ruining the carrot harvest...

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Whee!

*dives in*

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Someday, when I'm old enough that my pelvic floor has completely died, Thor will be promoted from 'friend' to 'special friend'.

[rubberneck.livejournal.com]

*spews tea*

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

You kind of scare me...