on weight, body image, performative presentation, acculturation and rebellion

[jmtorres]

This is a post about weight; my fatness and my awareness of its connotations under various societal lenses, including medical. Any concern trolls will be summarily deleted.



Lately, my weigh-in is about 275-280lbs, depending on what I'm wearing and how recently I've eaten, so my fatness is not a matter of perception: I am not average size made to feel fat by the media, I am just fat and no one is going to argue about whether I am fat. (I weigh myself often enough to see those small rises and dips, which is something I want to stop doing, because I feel it is unhealthy obsessive behavior motivated by external fatphobic ideologies.) I have lost weight since moving to LA--I've lost about 10% of my body mass, actually. I say this as a factual numerical statement, because I don't (or at least try not to) have any weight loss goals or work at losing weight.

My body is my body is the body I have to live in, so I don't want to feel negatively about it. Sometimes I do anyway; sometimes my knee doesn't want to take weight or I have a painful period and I do say, "I hate my body," but I mean this in a functional way: I want a body that doesn't give out on me. I don't want to feel upset about how I look, I want to, and am for the most part, satisfied with my own image and self-presentation.

Looking at the silhouettes of my mother and my grandfather, I think being fat is probably my genetic destiny. At the very least I am wide-boned (a phrase my mother recalls using to describe herself when she was a teenager, and realizing that meant she must have felt fat, even though she was not, then) so even if I were to magically lose all my "extra" weight, I would still be too broad to be conventionally thin or slender. I don't want to work towards an impossible goal. I don't want to endure the stress of working towards an impossible goal.

There are reasons to want to lose weight regardless. Some of mine are:

• in order to be chemically treated for depression, I have to deal with my doctor on a regular basis. Though my bloodwork is fine (I have too-low "good" cholesterol numbers, but my overall cholesterol numbers are fine, so excuse me if I don't work on increasing my cholesterol, salmon and avocado are already some of my favorite foods what do you want from me) she wants to run it every four months. She wants me to lose weight; pleasing her a few pounds at a time makes it smoother to get brain drugs.
  
• it would be nice if it were easier to find cute, affordable clothes that fit my body (interesting note: although I've noticed belt hole drop with my recent weight loss, I haven't actually gone down in clothing sizes. In American women's clothing sizes, one of the alchemical properties is that small sizes have fairly fine differences, but large sizes have larger and larger difference, and are expected to cover a larger range of bodies. So even in your size it's almost impossible to find clothes that fit a large body well as opposed to approximately.)
  
• I am aware that there are social and professional consequences to being fat, that people perceive fatness as ugly and ascribe all sorts of negative personality traits to fatness like laziness, and while I really try to avoid internalizing that thinking, it would be nice if I didn't have to overcome quite so much of it in people around me, for instance, when applying for jobs
  
• I want to fit in airline seats without feeling squished, although, again, wide-boned, not sure that's actually going to happen because even if the fat goes away my hip bones are still my hip bones

I got a haircut about six months ago, I went from having long, most of the way down my back hair to having a cute angled bob. Not long after, I caught sight of my shadow and I thought, I like my silhouette. Quickly followed by: when is the last time I liked anything about my body? (Because I try not to internalize negative thoughts about my body, but that's not the same as having positive feelings.)

Today I was walking to the store in my cute boots--I wanted something a little less hiking boot to wear with cute dresses, but shorter than the knee-high boots I sometimes wear when I'm dressing up, because I'm knitting all these socks I want to show off, and as it turned out the forms of cute boot I could find in my size and price range expressed femininity with heels. They're chunky heels, but they are heels, which I have complicated feelings about. Heels can be hard to walk in (I was actually walking to the store in these today to practice, the last time I wore them my calves were tired for like a week so I thought I should work on it if I want to wear them and not get tired out at nice events, like say, my graduation). Heels have a lot of cultural baggage of about objectifying the wearer for the male gaze (butts, they make for nice butt definition) at the cost of the wearer's comfort. On the other hand, they can make you feel powerful. Partially because of the perceived attractiveness enhancement, partially just because you get taller. Every time I wear heels, I really like being taller, whether I'm actually dealing with other humans beings or not.

But so today I was walking in my cute boots with heels and I was looking at my reflection in window glass and I realized there's another effect that heels give, an optical illusion where the extra height makes you look less fat.

Then I realized I was equating fat with ugliness and reminded myself I don't want to think of fat as ugly, I don't want to care about being fat, and if I'm going to care about fat it ought to be about the number, because that's the thing the doctor will look at, that's the gatekeeper I want to worry about. (You know, except that it's not just the number that counts for dealing with other people, it's also what you look like, how fat you look, so it's something to bear in mind, if I can stay meta enough about it, separate it as something to manipulate other people with: wear the cute boots to job interviews, maybe.)

I was raised with kind of a hippie philosophy about feminine presentation being a bunch of crap and unnecessary: I don't shave my legs and armpits, I don't wear make up, I don't use a lot of beauty products except, except--

Since moving to LA, in this period where I'm sort of reinventing myself, I've been trying some new things. Like fingernail polish. Like pampering myself with bath bombs. Like knitting myself things because I think the pattern's pretty, or the yarn colors are pretty, and buying cute boots to show them off.

Some things that feel like the sort of stereotypical feminine performance I reject, so I'm wondering a lot: is this what I want? Am I absorbing the kind of toxic culture where advertising tells me what I'm supposed to want? Or when I younger was I rebelling against stereotypes in an over the top way that cut me out of enjoying things categorized as "feminine" that I really could and now do like? How do you figure out what you like because you like it and what you like because society told you to like it and what you like because your upbringing told you to like it?

And then: all of the above existential feelings angst about fatness.

My body is my body is my body.

If I don't feel good about being fat, is that internalizing societal fatphobia? Or are any of those feelings just my feelings? And when I don't stop to examine it, is there any fundamental difference?

I deliberately do not work at losing weight. I deliberately do not "diet" or have an exercise routine aimed at losing weight. One reason is that those kinds of things do not work on a permanent basis: you go off a diet, you gain all the weight back. I can decide to change what I eat and cook more for myself to control what I eat, but I can't consider it a diet, it's not a means to an end, it has to just be how I live. If I did diet to lose weight, I would have to internalize a lot more garbage. If I did, I would think about how much I weigh even more than I already do, and you might notice, I think about it a lot.

And I worry about thinking about it too much. Because I don't want to have to worry about weight at all.

Comments

[niqaeli]

This is difficult and complicated and I wish, so much, I could bend culture to my will and make it less difficult for you.

*hugs*

I love you.

[jmtorres]

*hugs*

[laurajv]

I don't know the answers to any of your questions.

I have a complicated relationship with my body, which for a long time was strong and did almost anything I asked it but held onto weight and failed in ways that seemed odd to me, and then it turned out that those odd failures were early signs of my internals fucking things up but good. My internals will never be un-fucked, but the medication I am on should, in theory, unfuck things enough that my body will go back to being strong and doing what I ask it. It is likely that the odd failures it had in the past will no longer occur, and that one thing that will happen is that I will lose quite a bit of weight, possibly as much as 40% of my current weight, which is terrifying to me. For lots of reasons, but partly that -- well, I never thought of my weight, previously, as a problem. It just was. My body was strong and it could play rugby or run a half-marathon or bike miles and miles; it was a healthy body that liked doing things. So what if it was a fat body? I didn't care, as long as it was not too fat to run.

But it turns out that someone, among all my doctors, should have stopped ordering me to lose weight and listened to me when I said yeah, you know, my body doesn't like to do that. Because that, too, was an early sign of things inside me going very, very wrong.

And right now I don't feel good about my body, because it is having to relearn to do things, and it is dependent on medication for the ABILITY to do those things in the first place, and it has not much muscle tone, and it is not strong, and it can not go for a run. And, yes, it's fatter. And I don't know if disliking all the fucked up crap that has gone wrong with it is wrapped up in fatphobia somehow? I mean. I don't care too much about being fatter, exactly, but I don't like having trouble doing things -- but how much of that is the fat and how much of that is the other effects of my glands deciding to fuck off, really? I don't know, because it's all tangled up and full of dumb, and anger, and hurt.

Which is to say, I know your feel, but I don't know any way to not feel that feel, either.

[jmtorres]

God the thing about how much weight you can lose/they want you to lose--like last summer when I weighed just over 300lbs (and looked basically the same as I do now *shrug?*) I calculated out that if I lost half my bodyweight I'd still be considered overweight according to the BMI. (which, the BMI is BS. But my doctor at the time was using it.) like, i can't even picture it.

well, I never thought of my weight, previously, as a problem. It just was. My body was strong and it could play rugby or run a half-marathon or bike miles and miles; it was a healthy body that liked doing things. So what if it was a fat body? I didn't care, as long as it was not too fat to run.

this so much this as long as my body does all the things I ask it to, why should it matter if it's fat

*hugs you* yay for meds to make your body able to be active the way you want

[laurajv]

I want to run another half-marathon, but right now I can barely walk a mile. Baby steps! My goal is to run the bird-in-hand half in 2016. :)

[azurelunatic]

I hear you so much oh god.

[jmtorres]

*hugs you*

[grey_bard]

The whole "Is it what I like or is it something weird our objectifying culture is doing to my brain?" Oh man do I get that. In both directions. Like, do I not like it because of the messed up stereotypes our culture implies if you like something feminine, and since I don't like those stereotypes I don't like the thing? Or do I like the thing because I feel like somehow I am succeeding in life if someone mistakes me for a "real" girl, so this is not actually about what I genuinely like for myself or...

Or am I giving the toxicness too much brainspace by worrying about it?

Also ye olde "From the outside will it look to people I know like some kind of statement about my gender performance that I don't actually mean, but actually otherwise I would wear it except I do not mean the thing people might think it means."

THAT THING. I hate that thing.

Also I get more neurotic about it whenever I read SF about female dominated cultures and the crap men do in them to be attractive.

Get out of my goddamn head weird cultural issues.

[jmtorres]

hahahha I'm reading the Chanur books by CJ Cherryh rn and the hani are a matriarchal cat species, all the spacefarers are women, men are considered too, like, emotionally fragile to travel or go adventuring or whatever. And I was like--I kind of want to laugh, but I absolutely know my skin would be crawling if this were presented the other way around. GAHHHH. (Right so then the captain decides to take her husband along for the next few books, and even though he holds it together fine everyone else is like A MALE HANI IN SPACE? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? GET HIM OUT OF HERE HE'LL CAUSE NOTHING BUT TROUble it's kind of amaze.)

but omg: Or am I giving the toxicness too much brainspace by worrying about it?

this this this this this

like if I don't worry about it I just end up doing problematic/unhealthy things without examination

but if I do worry about it it's like, a fucking full time thing

[grey_bard]

And maybe worrying about it too much is also problematic because, argh, again you're doing things because of what you think people will think.

I try not to think about it and mostly succeed, but occasionally I have these weird disorienting double consciousness moments, and I hate it. And hey, in super hot weather, a certain kind of skirt that once upon a time would not have been read as femme at all would be convenient and aesthetically pleasing. But in today's sartorial culture any skirt that is not a costume or PJs is usually read as way femme-er than I am and I don't want to communicate false expectations about how much or what kind of femininity I am willing to perform. Argh. (Not because it has cooties but because there are so many behaviors and expectations that are just not me, so I don't want to deal with even more mistaken assumptions that I will ever live up to those things.) So they only get worn in costumes or with strangers or with lesbians who Get It.

[grammarwoman]

So much of what you wrote could be me, too, from the wide bones (I had so much size shaming as a kid from my parents, and at one point I flat-out told my dad that my skeleton wouldn't fit in the sizes he thought I should be, let alone my body) to the genetic destiny (which was something I didn't tell my dad, that if he didn't want a fat daughter perhaps he shouldn't have married my mom, who comes from a long line of rural farm wives who store fat like the famine's coming tomorrow) to appreciating the accessories like nail polish and good shoes (because as you say, there's no love for fat ladies' fashion - if we want something fun, it had better be on the periphery like feet or hands, because nothing else is available).

I still have issues with the color pink, because it has always represented to me the "You must be this girly to be recognized as feminine" cut-off line, which I could never measure up to.

*offers fist-bump of solidarity*

[jmtorres]

if we want something fun, it had better be on the periphery like feet or hands, because nothing else is available

I didn't think of it that way but it's SO TRUE

re pink god I know like, when I'm messing around with nail polish I keep going "but I don't want something that says girly" and of course there's like twice as many shades of fuschia as the rest of the spectrum combined and some of them are really very nice but I don't want to buy in there?

and then sometimes i'm just like fuck it let's do it marina and the diamonds style and go full Bubblegum Bitch

[azurelunatic]

I have been singing the praises of the glitter industry.

[branchandroot]

For what it's worth, it sounds like you're resisting the toxic parts pretty successfully, though it's always dicey to try to separate parts of presentation out. It's hard to tell what's feels good because you think it's pretty and what feels good because it's a relief to not have disapprobation directed at you. And the social thin-machine is relentless and vicious, and hard to push back. I don't think you should blame yourself for feeling relief, when you do.

[jmtorres]

It's just, such a full time wearing thing to resist the toxic indoctrination. I wish I didn't have to think about it this hard!

[cimadness.livejournal.com]

On the main subject of this post, my sympathies.

On a tangential point, but one I might actually have useful information on . . .

it would be nice if it were easier to find cute, affordable clothes that fit my body (interesting note: although I've noticed belt hole drop with my recent weight loss, I haven't actually gone down in clothing sizes. In American women's clothing sizes, one of the alchemical properties is that small sizes have fairly fine differences, but large sizes have larger and larger difference, and are expected to cover a larger range of bodies. So even in your size it's almost impossible to find clothes that fit a large body well as opposed to approximately.)
I don't (presently) own any of their stuff myself, but I have heard very good things about eShakti.com as a source for women's clothing that fits bodies-that-are-hard-to-find-women's-clothing-that-fits-for from both lifehacker.com and a couple sartorial guides for trans women and/or male crossdressers, which seems like a reasonably diverse set of perspectives. All of their stuff is (as far as I can tell) custom-sizeable in 1-inch increments (free on first order and $7.50 per item subsequently), and they're currently offering a $40 off coupon (on any order that totals at least $20 after all discounts) for first-time customers. I don't know whether they would suit your budget and/or tastes, but it might be worth looking into.

[cimadness.livejournal.com]

Update: My order finally arrived, and both dresses seem to be excessively (though probably not physically impossibly) tight in the chest/shoulders. I'm not sure how much of that is them, how much is me possibly getting my measurements wrong (have never done this before, and was relying on assistance by another man to take measurements), and how much is me being unusually sensitive to tightness/constriction even for a typically socialized man, and women's fashion generally being more constricting than men's. A little more poking around the internet suggests a more mixed experience, centering on "good prices and good return policy, but mixed accuracy of fitting to measurements, mixed experience with customer service, and don't trust their stated delivery times, since they often use DHL and DHL is kinda crap internationally." Also, personal observation, from looking at the site at various points in time: They pretty much always have a "sale" going on, and it's frequently either "up to 40% off" or "buy 3, get 2 free," which are mathematically the same if you pick the most discounted items in the former scenario, and pick all same-priced items in the latter. If their current deal is less good than that, I'd wait (and not sign up yet, since their $40 off coupon is only good for 1 week after signup), and if it's that, just be aware that it's not as time sensitive as the "x days left" messages would suggest. Whether this is something you wish to deal with or not is up to you. Internet consensus seems to suggest that it's probably a good deal overall, if you're willing to accept uncertainty and possible hassle. And not buying American, of course.