I don't know the answers to any of your questions.
I have a complicated relationship with my body, which for a long time was strong and did almost anything I asked it but held onto weight and failed in ways that seemed odd to me, and then it turned out that those odd failures were early signs of my internals fucking things up but good. My internals will never be un-fucked, but the medication I am on should, in theory, unfuck things enough that my body will go back to being strong and doing what I ask it. It is likely that the odd failures it had in the past will no longer occur, and that one thing that will happen is that I will lose quite a bit of weight, possibly as much as 40% of my current weight, which is terrifying to me. For lots of reasons, but partly that -- well, I never thought of my weight, previously, as a problem. It just was. My body was strong and it could play rugby or run a half-marathon or bike miles and miles; it was a healthy body that liked doing things. So what if it was a fat body? I didn't care, as long as it was not too fat to run.
But it turns out that someone, among all my doctors, should have stopped ordering me to lose weight and listened to me when I said yeah, you know, my body doesn't like to do that. Because that, too, was an early sign of things inside me going very, very wrong.
And right now I don't feel good about my body, because it is having to relearn to do things, and it is dependent on medication for the ABILITY to do those things in the first place, and it has not much muscle tone, and it is not strong, and it can not go for a run. And, yes, it's fatter. And I don't know if disliking all the fucked up crap that has gone wrong with it is wrapped up in fatphobia somehow? I mean. I don't care too much about being fatter, exactly, but I don't like having trouble doing things -- but how much of that is the fat and how much of that is the other effects of my glands deciding to fuck off, really? I don't know, because it's all tangled up and full of dumb, and anger, and hurt.
Which is to say, I know your feel, but I don't know any way to not feel that feel, either.
no subject
I have a complicated relationship with my body, which for a long time was strong and did almost anything I asked it but held onto weight and failed in ways that seemed odd to me, and then it turned out that those odd failures were early signs of my internals fucking things up but good. My internals will never be un-fucked, but the medication I am on should, in theory, unfuck things enough that my body will go back to being strong and doing what I ask it. It is likely that the odd failures it had in the past will no longer occur, and that one thing that will happen is that I will lose quite a bit of weight, possibly as much as 40% of my current weight, which is terrifying to me. For lots of reasons, but partly that -- well, I never thought of my weight, previously, as a problem. It just was. My body was strong and it could play rugby or run a half-marathon or bike miles and miles; it was a healthy body that liked doing things. So what if it was a fat body? I didn't care, as long as it was not too fat to run.
But it turns out that someone, among all my doctors, should have stopped ordering me to lose weight and listened to me when I said yeah, you know, my body doesn't like to do that. Because that, too, was an early sign of things inside me going very, very wrong.
And right now I don't feel good about my body, because it is having to relearn to do things, and it is dependent on medication for the ABILITY to do those things in the first place, and it has not much muscle tone, and it is not strong, and it can not go for a run. And, yes, it's fatter. And I don't know if disliking all the fucked up crap that has gone wrong with it is wrapped up in fatphobia somehow? I mean. I don't care too much about being fatter, exactly, but I don't like having trouble doing things -- but how much of that is the fat and how much of that is the other effects of my glands deciding to fuck off, really? I don't know, because it's all tangled up and full of dumb, and anger, and hurt.
Which is to say, I know your feel, but I don't know any way to not feel that feel, either.