For what it's worth, it sounds like you're resisting the toxic parts pretty successfully, though it's always dicey to try to separate parts of presentation out. It's hard to tell what's feels good because you think it's pretty and what feels good because it's a relief to not have disapprobation directed at you. And the social thin-machine is relentless and vicious, and hard to push back. I don't think you should blame yourself for feeling relief, when you do.