i posted this to tumblr bc i post everythung to tumblr now but all my vorkosigan friends are here

[jmtorres]

so a few years ago niq and i had this plotbunny about the hilarious rom-com of Alys and Padma, because they were totally a fairytale romance, the prince's grandson and the beautiful young vor maiden. I mean, we headcanon it as a fairly modern fairytale romance where she was actually low vor and worked for a living instead of being like, a count's daughter or something. I mean, her job was a countess's social secretary but

part of the story of their romance included this barrayaran engagement tradition i invented and am routinely saddened does not occur in any of the canon weddings: the reading of the faults. it's kind of an outmoded tradition? but so like the idea is: the best man will tell the bride to be all of the groom's faults, in theory so that she could throw him over in the best man's favor. Oh wait i just found my old post on it, let me quote what Ivan told me about: "a Time of Isolation tradition that has almost entirely died out in which a friend of the groom will slander him most vilely--to scare his bride off, or legitimately warn her what she's getting into, or possibly just troll everyone for the lulz, depending on what fairy tales you heard as a child." Aral read Padma's faults for him, because, ridiculous modern fairy tale; Padma attended, though he was not supposed to, so he could add his own commentary on how he was really much worse than Aral was painting him. Ivan drags Ekaterin off to read her Miles's faults, because he's been writing the list since he was sixteen years old and he realized how desperately Miles wanted to find his Lady Vorkosigan, and he WILL NOT BE DENIED THIS OPPORTUNITY

today i started cracking up at the notion of Selda (we named her, whatever) and Ezar's wartime engagement and you know, things are shitty as hell and there's not time for a lot of niceties but in a moment of black humor Selda demands of this camp of ragged soldiers that someone tell her Ezar's faults, and no one really wants to? he's their leader? it feels inappropriate? but eventually Piotr's like HE EATS HIS GROATS WITH BUTTER. SALTED BUTTER. and eventually half the camp chimes in with stuff about that silly or "he put me on latrine duty!" or whatever (eventually Selda cuts them off and says perhaps someone had better tell Ezar HER faults instead. Negri--we made Negri hers before Ezar's, he was her bodyguard and also her messenger when she outmaneuvered Yuri and sent them an invitation to come take the palace--SO much backstory we've decided on for this lady okay--anyway, Negri agrees to read her faults to Ezar but says perhaps they better do it in private. "Oh, are we going to pretend I am unsullied?" asks Selda; "Yes, my lady, I think we should pretend," says Negri.)

so like, pffffff ridiculous fast forward 85 odd years, Duv is comfortable enough about his extended in-laws to go off on historical rants about people they knew, and Aral drops, contextless, into a thesis on Emperor Ezar, that among his many faults, he ate his groats with salted butter

and Duv, taken aback, asks how one is meant to eat groats?

and Aral replies, with maple syrup, as any good Vorkosigan will tell you.

Comments

[lannamichaels]

Hee, I love this :D

And is Miles or Ivan too nervous to tell Laisa about Gregor's faults, in case she DECIDES NOT TO MARRY HIM, and thus keeping them both on the hook as Imperial heirs?

[jmtorres]

I was going to say "it's an outmoded tradition" but hahah they were kind of scouring some old school stuff for the correct level of pomp and circumstance weren't they? I am imagining Alys listing off "the reading of the faults" and the two of them sappily insisting that neither has any faults and Miles just being like let's... not disabuse them of that notion?

[lannamichaels]

And Gregor just pointedly changing the subject like when Alys suggested that they publish the gene scans, and no one is going to bring it up again.

...Oh damn, I never even thought.Does Laisa know that Gregor ran away from home?

[azurelunatic]

I have this sudden mental image of the night before the wedding, very late that night, Gregor showing up at the door of Laisa's rooms (the front door, not the connecting door, which is unusual) and reading his faults himself.

[lannamichaels]

*chinhands*

[jmtorres]

Correct form includes ending with some variation of "and that's why you should marry me instead"

I am imagining Gregor tossing that one in and Laisa just cracking up and going, "No, you're right, that Gregor fellow, terrible, but you, I'll keep"

[enemyofperfect]

Aww, that's lovely.

And this post is awesome. :D

[jmtorres]

pssst there's more

[j00j]

This amuses me. Also, I had a "wait, that's not canon?" moment about the reading of the faults, which tells you how well it suits Barrayar. : )

[jmtorres]

it should be. IT SHOULD BE. I wonder what it would take it get it adopted as general fanon...

[giglet]

Thank you for posting this here! Much easier to read on DW than on Tumblr. And much much easier to comment here.

[jmtorres]

Occasionally i remember i have more than one platform!

[azurelunatic]

*cracks up*

WITH BUTTER.

[jmtorres]

ahahahahahahahahahah niq and i weren't sure anyone would get that, our southern is showing

[lastscorpion]

What an awesome bit of Barrayar fanon! I love it!

[ladyvyola]

Much like every pay-off in A Civil Campaign, that punchline was years in the making! Kudos to you. :D