I think this conversation is at one remove for me because I don't see writing porn for people, even porn for their specific kinks, as a sexual action--because the way I approach fandom porn and the way I approach porn-I-use-to-get-off is completely different. Not that I don't think people use porn written for fandom as a way to get off? But since it's totally outside my sexuality (and women are pretty far outside my sexuality, I'm heteroflexible) it's a very weird thing to me to realize oh, this is hitting people in different vulnerable places than I have, where for me fanfic is mostly about ego.