it's funny because when I was talking my brother into coming at the very last minute, one of the things I said to him was he should come even if all he did was sit around in the hotel room all day. Why do I make such different demands of myself? Like--I feel like I'm failing at going to a con if I don't do a bunch of things. And in re making one-on-one plans oh my god part of my flail I think? is that I feel like here is an opportunity to get to know a bunch of vidders OH GOD HOW DO I TALK HUMAN? that like. I can only really talk myself into making plans with people I know really, really well already. Like my braintwin and people I live with.

there was the green/yellow/red cards this year for like, approachability states, and I was like "oh what a great idea!" and then promptly never used them. Because green was not necessarily true, me being skittish as hell and liable to start feeling super weird trying to hold a conversation someone just started up with me. But yellow (as it was explained to me, "don't talk to me, I'll talk to you") was a total lie, I was never going to start a conversation with anyone. But I didn't not want to talk to people. I just completely failed at the mechanics of it?